Friday, July 21, 2006
Its finally over.
I've spent more than 300+ hours for the past 2 months preparing for this past 4 days. Definitely the most difficult academic challenge that I've faced thus far. But my preparation is really nothing compared to some of my peers who spend around 10-12 hours a day studying. Some of them genuinely enjoy doing what they do. Don't get me wrong, I do too... but I think from this, I've discovered new limits of mental endurance after experiencing such draining and fatigue. I used to like to think that a good doctor is one who knows his stuff and is compassionate, and although I'm not strong on the first part, the second factor is my redeeming point. True enough, I love interaction with patients and conversing with them, making them feel that they're not just another case on another bed. However, the truth of the matter is, I need to increase my knowledge and medical experience as well. Medicine is a subject with no defined boundaries, the subject matter is too wide to completely cover. But that's no excuse when lives are in your hands.
I'm halfway there! I'm looking forward to my Clinical phase in Seremban, but perhaps a bit nervous as well. I won't be facing books and notes anymore, but people. Real patients, experienced doctors who won't hesitate to blow you away at the first sign of hesitancy. This last 2 and a half years, I will learn the tools of my trade, and learn I shall.
God is at the center of it all. Amazing testimonies of the amount of times in this past 2 months when hopelessness seemed to prevail, God became my Only Hope. There was one time when I really couldn't take it anymore and I just took a walk at around 2 am in the morning a few weeks back. I was really praying hard and walking around my neighbourhood in the dead of night. It seemed hard to break out of the rut that I was in. Just when I was about to give up and head back, suddenly I cried out, 'Lord, help me to TRUST You'. At that exact moment, I walked past this house and in the house was a car with a numberplate. The numberplate had a number (duh.) but below the number was one word: Trust. I stopped dead in my tracks. The first thing that went through my mind was, 'What in the world is the word Trust doing on a numberplate? Brand of numberplate ar?'. Whatever it is, the timing of it, right at that moment when I felt the need to really trust Him. I stood there for a while just staring at the car... and then I laughed. I laughed all the way back to my house perhaps, and I found strength to carry on studying once again.
And now, its over... God has shown Himself to be Faithful again. He always has. He always will. I know that in quiet confidence and trust, I've come to depend on Him. Dependence. Total and complete. I haven't gotten my results yet. I will next Friday, the 29th of July. But yet, I know (as I knew back then during A-levels) that God has did it again for me: a miracle. But God also reminds me of the 'Even if' kind of Faith seen in the lives of Shedrach, Mishech and Abednego. I want that. I truly do... A friend of mine has said that she would follow me to Church if she passed because I prayed for her when she asked me to. Thats really great, but sometimes its also sad that people know only how to thank God after getting what they want in life? How is it with me, Lord? I say that I would thank You, irregardless of success or failure... but I truly wouldn't know unless I fail, would I? Just like how we say that we'd die for You. Would we say any different with a gun pointed at our heads?
Why do we go through trials and tests? Is it because God wants to know how we'd do? My belief is that God already knows the outcome of the testings and the tribulations that He allows us to endure. The reason we go through this, is so that we ourselves know the outcome: where we stand, how strong our Faith is, what it would really take to shake our spiritual foundations, whether we'd say, 'Enough is enough. I quit'. And sometimes, we do give up. I know I have. But if we can learn how to respond instead of react to these failures, then we can pick ourselves up again. Even as a Christian, with the Love and Grace of God being the closest things to my heart that I desperately cling on to, I have failed. But if you've never tasted failure, how would you recognize success?
When it really matters, my friends, make a decision that will count. What you do today, what you say today has eternal consequences. I pray I will as well.
God bless.
Aeternalis
12:28 AM
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